In which our heroine swears and carries on about her naughty dogs.

My dogs are...

fucktards?
oystershuckers?
asshats?

Yes! All of the above. Actually, no. Neither dog can shuck shellfish, due to lack of opposable thumbs.

Amelie will be lucky if she lives to see her first birthday (which is, incidentally, in 8 days). Here's a list of what she's done today:

1. While I was upstairs for ten minutes getting dressed, she ate one of Felix's toys.
2. When I yelled at her, she peed on the kitchen floor.
3. When I sent her outside after peeing on the floor, she ate something nasty and threw up copiously all over the yard.
4. This afternoon, while I took Felix upstairs to put him down for his nap, she ate a chunk of the Christmas tree.

When do I go back to work?