Lost: Dear Friend. If Found, Please Return.

A few months ago, I read a poignant blog post about ended friendships. It begins with a contributor discussing a friend who has, for unknown reasons, walked away from her and what she thought was a friendship. Nothing earth shattering, but nonetheless upsetting. It rings true here in my kitchen.

I've been thinking about her, almost daily, for a few months now, and god knows I've tried to reach out, but I can't find her. The physical distance between us is so large that she might as well be on the moon, for all that I could go find her.

We were friends all through college, and then roommates our senior year, along with another woman. We kept in touch afterward, part of a larger group, but also just the two of us. We've celebrated weddings together, we've grieved the death of mutual friend together. We've sheltered each other, actually as well as metaphorically. Our husbands, both from outside the circle of friends, have gone to fetch the Chinese take-out together.

How then, can she ignore our birth announcement, my emailed pleas for her updated phone number, the Christmas card (with adorable photo of our little boy, now two), the voicemails I left before I gave up and assumed she had a new number? Did I say or do (or not say or do) something? I've wracked my brain, but I come up with nothing again and again. She was not the type to leave things unsaid. She was brave and truthful, and though contact was often few and far between, she was important to me. She still is. There was nothing we couldn't talk about. Even painful, private, fearful things. I am afraid now that I don't know who she is anymore. I am equally afraid that she might feel the same about me. Have I changed? For the worse?

The conventional wisdom is that people come into and go out of our lives for a reason, and I believe that to be true. Perhaps the time came for her to leave me, and I didn't see it. Either way, I wasn't ready, and I miss her. Another conventional wisdom is that if you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, you're meant to have them in your life. So, for now, I'm letting her go, in the hopes that someday she'll come back to me.