Homonymous

Due to the constant remodeling of our house, my husband's line of work, and the frightening grasp my 2 year old has on words, Felix can label a fair amount of carpentry and home improvement items that you don't find on Handy Manny.

So, we're in Home Depot yesterday, buying tomato seedlings, cages, seeds, peat pots, stakes for marking deck footings, citronella torches for the backyard, and caulk.

Say it out loud, now, and allow yourself the giggle. Caulk.

Felix is riding in the race car cart (best. invention. ever.), which Mark is holding onto while he inspects different kinds of stakes. He's absorbed by the choices. (Cedar? It's what I've always used... Aluminum? It's resuable! Plastic? Ick.) He's physically holding the cart, but his brain is already on tomorrow's job site.

I am about six feet away, contemplating pulleys and line for a clothesline.

"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?"
"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?"
"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?"
"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?"
"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?"
"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?"
"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?"
"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?"

Felix is straining out of the seat, reaching backwards into the cart for the two tubes of caulk.

A guy between myself and the cart, picking out some kind of hardware, is trying not to snicker. So am I. I have the sense of humor of a fourteen year old boy.

I, who have been around little kids making gaffes in public for a decade, am not easily embarrassed, but Felix is getting louder and more insistent with every repetition, and I'm shocked Mark hasn't answered him.

"Hon!" I say, just a little louder than conversationally. "For the love of Pete, will you just answer the child?"

"What?" he says, looking at me, genuinely puzzled.

"Dad? Can I hold the caulk?" chirps Felix.

Then I lose it. I give over to the giggles.

Mark turns about fourteen shades of embarrassed, then busts out laughing, meanwhile grabbing the two tubes from the cart and handing them to Felix, who brandishes them like batons.

"Mama! Look! Two caulks!"

Freedom of Bumper Stickers

Warning! Unpretty language represented below!!

I was trying to decide between a silly meme I got via email, or a post with actual content. Instead, here's the bumper sticker I followed on the Pike this morning. It made me giggle in the "it's funny 'cause it's true" way.

Turkey Lurkey Doo and Turkey Lurkey Dap

"I eat that turkey then I take a nap."



See you tomorrow!

Can You Find My Friend?

He's in there somewhere, and no, he's not the underwear guy...
This would also be filed under "Scary!" if I had such a label.

This Guy Was Living My Dream

I got this email forwarded to me by my uncle, and whether it's true or not, this guy was living my dream. I think about doing stuff like this all the time when I'm at Target (or heaven forbid, Walmart...) or in the mall...

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...

After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Pearl Strikes Again!

Apparently, on the heels of the Landlord's Viral success, Pearl did another role:



Just made me smile... Ok, belly laugh...

Stolen from a Friend

'nuff said. thanks, BoF!

"Do They Have Bahs Downthayah?"

Two portly middle aged men in team jackets and hats said to me, after asking if the "Gahdin" was around "heyah." I love this town!

O&I were running to the Post Office on New Chardon Street this morning when we were waylaid by these ... umm... gentlemen(?). I patiently pointed to the rising silhouettes of the Charles River Park Apartments, above the Department of Mental Health building (you know it, the one with all the crazy (haha) stairs and balconies? it might not actually be where the DMH is, but there's a sign nearby...), and said, "Just to the right of those high rises, you can't miss it." The title question followed.

"They certaintly do!" I replied, hauling the stroller into the crosswalk, so as not to miss the walk light and be stranded with two middle-aged dudes looking to get drunk at 10 AM.

Then I played the "How Many Bars Can I Name in that Neighborhood Without Using Google?" game:
Hooters
Penalty Box
Upstairs Lounge
Harp
Paddy O'Rourke's (a stretch, but it's in the Bullfinch Triangle!)
Grand Canal

Subsequent searching got me a link to Grand Canal, which I love, and seldom go to anymore. Legend tells that once Mark, staying on alone after a group Sunday brunch session, got his foot stuck between the foot rail and the bar at Grand Canal, and drunkenly called his friends for help, hoping they'd bring a helicopter... Hmmm.... Back a million years ago, Becs and Ys and I would go dancing at the Upstairs Lounge, which had a small but dedicated goth night. Ahh, the good old days...

Dialing It In

Another Saturday in Suburbia; also, My Fibby Moment

This morning I went to the Starbucks at Whole Foods Plaza in Framingham to meet with a prospective Middlebury student. In a very Fibby-esque moment, when I picked my latte up at the counter, this was the name on my cup (and I swear I said my given name!):

I like these interviews. It lets me feel connected to the campus, and like I’m giving something back to the school. I know a lot of people say I shouldn’t feel that way, since my family paid for me to attend the school, but the truth is, Middlebury funded a great deal of my education - give or take 5/6th of it. It's not that I feel beholden to them, but I do like the sense of "making good" on their investment...

After the interview, I did some household provisioning, and headed home for another weekend cook-a-thon. On today's menu: cauliflower in tomato curry, chicken soup with rice, spaghetti sauce, and macaroni & cheese.

My reward for all this foolishness in the kitchen was dinner at the local Cantina and a cup of Ben&Jerry's for dessert - cause my man loves me!

Tomorrow will be a busy day. Mark's cousin's baby shower at noon, followed by the Pats game at our house with L&T, my brother-in-law, and maybe some others... Fibby? You in? or are you in Maine?

Uh-Oh: Adventures of A Berzerker

O has discovered "Uh-oh."

From Miscellany

Just now he was demonstrating his prowess with the newfound "word" by running around the house screaming like a demented Muppet, stopping every so often to bellow "Uh-oh!" before resuming his berzerking.

All I can really say for myself is, "Uh-oh...."

PS: while I was typing this, standing at the kitchen counter, he pickpocketed my watch. Uh-oh, indeed.

Two Guys Are Standing Around...

First guy says, "How long can you survive without a brain?"

Second guy says, "How old are you?"

J's joke of the evening... Comic genius, obviously.

Two Sheep are Standing in a Field...

The first sheep says, "Bah."

The second sheep says, "Moo."

First sheep says, "Moo? What's 'Moo?'"

Second sheep says, "Oh, I'm learning a foreign language."

J's turn to entertain us at the dinner table tonight. Nice.

Conditions Are Perfect for the Rhymenocerous

I was sent the following links by Mrs. Corrdin, last week (back when she was Ms. Jurist-Schulman...). Enjoy!





I'm a fan.

Ooh, and while you're on YouTube, look for "Albi the Racist Dragon"....

MOMP missed it's birthday!

I passed the 100 entry mark last week sometime, but just didn't have the heart to celebrate.

So, in honor of that, I have linked to what might be the cutest thing on the WHOLE INTERNET.

Yeah, and I stand by that.

Check out David's New Snail right now.

Also, as a little birthday gift to my teeny tiny readership, this gem of a photo of the author and her oft harangued hubby:

Kittens!

I just found this amongst a post from a friend of a friend (with whom, incidentally, I attended The College on the Hill). It made me laugh out loud, and remember that I had a cat, despite rumors that she has put her bowl on her head and left us in the wake of the below-pictured Pug Dog.

Just click on the post title for more fun than you should shake a kitten at!

Monday, Monday

OK, so both Go Fug Yourself and You Knit What? are hilarious over the last few days. I highly recommend them. That said, on to the weekend report:

Outlook was grey and rainy at WW, both in weather and spirit, but then Maurice and I got latte at Dunkies and headed for the dog park. We spent a pleasant hour and a half socilaizing with a wide variety of folks, human and canine, and Maurice came out with even more fans than he already had. What a charmer!

Then it was home to get ready for the days adventure: a trip to beautiful downtown .... Chelmsford! ::groan:: Our friend Carolyn's baby shower was held at a restaurant up there, so Andrea and I headed up, laden with adorable gift baskets, to attend. The food was less than spectacular, but there were carafes of sticky white wine, so it was hardly a problem! Carolyn looks great, and speculation as to gender and delivery date were widespread. Where are the Vegas bookies, people?

(oooh, sobfest, Next Lover by James is on my iTunes - wait while I wallow.....)

Saturday night, Mark and I decided to go Vietnamese food hunting. This has been a quest of ours since we moved, put into harsh relief with the closing of Pho Lemon in Cambrige. He doesn't like the chain-y quality of Pho Pasteur, and Da Lat in Worcester is too far away.... and so we search. This time, we traveled the back roads of Natick and Millis to Saigon Restaurant. Though advertising itself as Vietnamese, the menu was basically Chinese with a little lemongrass and rice noodles added to fool the unsuspecting rural population. Too heavy, too oily.... No Mi Huan Tan, no dumplings, no Caffe Phin. Boo. We are crushed.

Sunday dawns raw and chilly. The dog needs to go out, the laundry and dishes are waiting - guess who'll never sleep in again? Maurice and I went into Allston to have brunch with friends, leaving Mark home to ....

(Tone Loc, people.... Wild Thing)

... leaving Mark home to dig up a section of the basement for new lolly columns. Wahoo!

Grocery shopped, changed the sheets, ran a load of laundry, did some dishes, and we watched Wedding Crashers. Must Love Dogs, our Friday night flick, was equivalently mediocre. This is not to say that either movie was a disappointment. We're easier and easier to amuse as the months in Suburbia pass.

The Glamourous Life

I was fiddling around today and found a website devoted to mocking the awful knitting patterns you find out there! I highly recommend you check them out. Hilarious, irreverent, and yes, folks, there is naughty language. Don't say I didn't warn you! The link can be found on the right.

Also there is a link I filched from friend and fellow Blogger JZ (Batteries Not Included), which trashes celeb fashion choices - ah, guilty pleasures...

Babies are strange creatures. O was exhausted 15 minutes ago. Crying, eye-rubbing, hair-pulling, floppy tired. We went upstairs, had a snuggle and a lullabye, and now he's up there chattering away in his crib like a nap is the farthest thing form his mind. Grrrr....

Now I'll have to go back up there and settle him down, which will inevitably include more tears. He hasn't slept so much today, and he needs his naps or he's a regular Eeyore.

The Demon Barber is hard up for clients this week, so she's alone in the under-stairs alcove, sans scissors.

I think I'll bring the puppy on Friday. It'll save me $10 in walking fees and the kids will hush up about never seeing the dog.

The glamorous life of a nanny is hard to fully comprehend, n'est-ce pas?